Below is the eulogy for my dear friend Carlene. She was one of a kind.
Good morning. My name is Kathy Deschenes and I’m a member of Carlene’s Small Group. We are one of several groups at First Parish that meet monthly to discuss the important things in life like love, courage, and commitment. The rest of the group: Bill, Leslie, Sally, Frans, Gail and others who came before us are here in spirit and I share some of their thoughts today as well.
Our group meant a lot to Carlene because it embodied her belief that community and connection are the most important gifts a church can give to its members. We are all, not just our small group members, better connected because of her work to ensure that everyone felt heard and welcomed in this, her second home.
Carlene brought her skills as a facilitator to church gatherings whether it was our small group, the many church events where she ran the kitchen with absolute precision, retreats where we gathered to share our dreams for a better community, and of course with the high school youth group where her influence helped young people go into the world with an understanding of their faith but more importantly of their responsibility to make the world more loving and just for everyone.
Our small group discussions were not just discussions. She gently pushed us to both explore our beliefs and better articulate how we could live our values in a way that would make a difference.
She and I would often compare notes after a small group meeting. She always wanted to know what worked, what didn’t, and how to make the next meeting even better. She was always looking to improve our experience so that we could get the most out of our time together. It was never about Carlene. Ever.
Carlene planned fun trips for us each summer. We would often go to group member Ellen Mellen’s summer home in Gloucester for lunch and a chat on Ellen’s porch overlooking the Annisquam river. Carlene’s love of nature and the wonders of life were palpable. She was amazed at every breeze, every ripple of water, every bee that buzzed. She would sit on that porch for hours and just marvel at the unbelievable beauty of the earth. I know that somehow she and Ellen are sitting on that porch with our beloved Larry and Kirk who passed recently as well, facilitating a discussion about what they learned.
We opened every meeting with a check-in. Given what was going on in our lives, this time could go longer than expected. But she always gave us the space to speak honestly and never once did anyone feel like they were not in a safe place to share. She spoke often of her children and grandchildren and, of course, the love or her life - Norman. Her love and pride would fill her up and spill over into our circle. The group feels that we know you all because of those moments and we ache for your loss.
She made everything look easy though we all knew that she struggled physically and we would have been happy if she wanted to rest instead of organizing us every month. But she felt that her work was not done. That as long as there were people she could help live a more meaningful existence, she would not rest. And that’s what made Carlene the shining light that she was.
She touched all of our lives as individuals as well. Holding us as we grieved our personal losses, encouraging us to get out of our comfort zones, challenging us to communicate our feelings in ways that were respectful to ourselves and to others.
Carlene gave me the greatest gift of my life. I was unable to have children which I rarely discussed but she knew it was a sadness that I carried. Many years ago, she encouraged me to get involved with the teens here at First Parish. I became a youth mentor and, after mentoring ME for a few years, she handed the reigns of the high school group over to me.
The relationships I have with many of those youth have filled a hole in my heart that nothing else could. Carlene knew that. She never used that as a reason for getting me involved, but she knew. She always knew.
We will all go forward with the lessons Carlene taught us. Our group will stay together and honor her at every meeting. We will take the wisdom she shared with us about inclusion, courage, and humor in the face of great adversity, and share them with the world. Her work here is not done. She has set the bar high for the foot soldiers she leaves behind but we will carry on with our leader’s example as our shield.
And miss her love and guidance. Always.
