What might have been

For the past 7+ years, I've been living with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. When I tell people that they often express concern. I tell them, "It ain't gonna kill me." But still, it is a daily battle that is absolutely no fun at all. I hate to dwell on it and try to keep it in perspective.

When I was diagnosed, I was working at a job I loved for a company that was/is very good to me. I had some bad experiences at other companies because I felt that my efforts weren't appreciated. I'm a self-starter who hates to be micro-managed so I never looked for any hand-holding. Just respect and recognition of a job well done.

For the first time, I was making what I consider to be "good money" which helped finance home improvements, vacations, retirement investments, and a generous hand with our favorite charities.

When it became clear that I could not work full-time and was physically unable to handle the demands of a stressful career, I knew I had to do some "giving up". Not of my life but of my list of responsibilities and passions.

A friend talked me into volunteering years ago and said that non-profits needed people like me who were passionate about issues and could make things happen. So, I jumped in -- make that bungeed in -- to some major volunteer work. This work became a second full-time job but I loved it and got a lot in return. I not only did some major hands-on work at these non-profits, but also sat on the board of directors of both.

After I gave up the full-time hours, I slowly retreated from all volunteer work. As much as I loved it, the stress of being a passionate leader was also taking its toll on my health.

When the yoga didn't work out (now THAT's a good story for another day), I did what I had been wanting to do for many years, and that was to go back to church. My experience with the Catholic Church is also a story for another day. I wanted to go to a church where I could have my spirit fed and also just "be" for an hour a week. Y'know, get lost in the moment.

I joined the UU church I had been driving past for years and it has been one of the best decisions of my life. I do my share of volunteering there but never to the point of exhaustion as everyone there knows I have my limit and respects that.

So, where am I going with this? I occasionally take time out of my day to think about the what-ifs in my life. Since I lived most of my adult life feeling that I had no restrictions on my future, the CFS was truly the only hurdle I faced that I couldn't pass. But what did I really lose?

I lost the ability to earn a decent living and help my husband carry the financial load. I had to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't do everything I wanted to do in life -- I had to choose carefully and pace myself. I lost the career path I was on and, unless there's a miracle cure, will not get back. I struggle with weight issues now since I am unable to do any serious aerobic exercise without ending up in bed for days.

And what did I gain? The what-if goes both ways. What would my life be like if I hadn't been saddled with CFS? I know that I wouldn't have walked into my church that Sunday morning. And, because of that, I wouldn't have met some of my dearest friends, met and mentored someone who is very special to me, become a vegetarian (which was a long-time coming), learned to quilt, or sung in a chorale again.

But more importantly, I wouldn't have learned how to just "be" as I wished years ago. To have the time to reflect and find joy in life's simple lessons. I also wouldn't have had the time to do the kind of writing I really enjoy. I always say that if I had the energy, I'd write a novel. But, if I had never lost the energy, I wouldn't have even considered it.