Dennis Miller time

I always assume that anyone who reads this blog thinks I'm some sort of a sweet person. That is, anyone who hasn't had the experience of being around my rather sharp sense of humor. A friend of mine told me once, "You're a good person but you'll never be a nice person. Nice people don't challenge people. They just say, 'How nice for you'. You could never do that when you disagree."

I use this blog for thoughtful pieces and discussion and it's true that this "good" person prefers not to get off on a public rant. But then, there are moments when I channel Dennis Miller.

And this is one of those moments.

• If you're in a lane that is marked (on the pavement and on signs) as a right-hand turn lane only, is there a reason, Mr. Driver, that you feel the need to also put on your right directional?
• And another one from the overstating-the-incredibly-obvious file... If you're merging from an entrance ramp onto a highway, do you really need to tell me with your directional that you're going to the left? I mean, where else can you possibly go in that situation unless you're hell-bent on becoming intimately acquainted with a guard rail?
• If you are over 16, you should know how to use "you're" and "your".
• I'm a vegetarian, not a vegan. There is a difference. Please stop correcting me and telling me what I am. K?
• My name is pronounced deh-shane, not du-shane. Do you see any u's in my name? Didn't think so.
• If you have a cellphone for emergencies, why is it never on when I call? And, why have you never learned to operate voicemail? If you don't want to be reached easily, why do you have a cellphone?
• And while we're on the subject of cellphones... When you're in a public place, put the damn cellphone on vibrate. I don't need to hear your bad taste in ringtones or your loud voice punctuated by "huh?" because your crappy phone can't hold a signal.
• If you're a cashier in a supermarket, don't pick up my one cortland apple and say, "What are you going to do with one apple?" And when I reply that it's for a scone recipe, don't show your culinary ignorance by scrunching your face and turning your head sideways while looking at me. I'm not expecting Julia Child behind the scanner, but I do expect that most adults have some clue of the existence of non-processed food. Especially when you work in the food industry.
• If you're over 16, you should know the difference between there, their, and they're. There.
• And while we're at it... affect is a verb, effect is a noun. It's that simple.
• If you don't know the difference between a verb and a noun, how did you graduate high school?
• It's Kathy, not Cathy. You've known me for 30 years. It's time to learn my name.
• If I put my name on a waiting list for you to call out when there's a table, why must you always make me and the people in line behind me wait longer by asking if I spell my name with a C or a K? You'll be pronouncing it the same no matter how I spell it. Seems like bad time management to me.
• I drink decaf coffee because caffeine gives me migraines. It still tastes good to me. No one is impressed by your coffee snobbery.
• If I'm going through a really difficult time in my life and choose to talk about it which is rare because I always suck it up and hate to whine, it's now your turn to listen to me. I've been listening to your non-stop tales of woe for years. It's not always about you.
• I'm okay with stupid. Just do it quietly.